Crossroad...

I'm back home... In fact, I'd better say, I'm back from Africa because I'm not sure where is home. Right now I am visiting my parents in Istanbul and I will be soon heading to Romania since I miss so much my sweet nephew and niece.

What is next... is a mystery. It would be very weird to know where I am heading. :) Don't get me wrong. I would liked to know what the future holds for me and where is my next destination, but It has not been revealed to me. I'm praying and waiting and trusting that I am going to know at the right time. For now I know a few things:

- that I have to write my thesis in order to finish my Master Degree and it is going to take 3-4 months of hard and intense work,
- that I want to continue to do mission work even though I do not know what form it will take,
- that I am not going back to the same project in Namibia,
- that I am at peace with the unknown for now and with the idea of staying and working on my thesis for a few months.

I've been a volunteer for the past five years and I have enjoyed what I have done 100%. But lately I have been thinking a lot about having a job, a paid job. It hasn't been easy to depend 100% on donations even though I cannot complain. I have had everything I needed and even more. God has been faithful all these years but I keep wondering if I should do something that will help me be on my own. Is it because my age? Is it because of the discussion I had with some of my friends? Is it because of my lack of faith? There are questions with no answer for now. I know just one thing, paid or not, volunteer or employee, I will still continue to do mission work. Where? I don't know. How? It is another unknown.



I fell in love with Africa and South America. At lease, with what I have seen in the 2 countries I have visited in Africa and 2 in South America. I fell in love with a simple life, with the jungle life. The thought of having to stop going to work in these poor countries, scares me. But my life is in His hands and

“I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,


O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;


I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,


I’ll be what You want me to be.”

Somewhere, deep down in my heart, I hope to be able to go back to the African or South American continent. It remains to be seen.

I don't know about tomorrow,

I just live from day to day.

I don't borrow from it's sunshine,

For it's skies may turn to gray.

I don't worry o'er the future,

For I know what Jesus said,

And today I'll walk beside Him,

For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know Who holds tomorrow,

And I know Who holds my hand.

Manliness

This past 10 months that I spent in the Kalahari Desert made me think a lot about manliness. Being one of the few girls in the camp and being surrounded mostly by men was something new for me. It's because of who these men are that I got to do a lot of thinking about manliness and femininity. It's because of what they said and how they behaved that I analyzed the values (concerning manliness and femininity) I was raised up with over and over again and I got to build my own system of values. And it is because of them that I know better now what I like and what I don't like, what I want and I don't want in a man. (By the way, I sensed that God is bringing me over and over again to the point where people's values and behavior challenge me to think and build my own system of values where I once just adopted my family's values. Not that I didn't know what I believed in before, but when I am challenged by a different set of values, I get to think over and over about my system of values and why I believe what I believe and even if it's not comfortable sometimes, it's really beneficial for me.)

I grew up in a family where vulgare jokes were not tolerated. Where flirting, playing with hearts, using double sense language were classified as non-Christian behaviour. I was raised up being taught that character matters the most, more than the way you look. Where talking about how good looking the girls are and talking only about that was not considered a good habit and showed something about a guy's character. I was surrounded by people who valued purity. My innocence was not taken as stupidness, nor my purity and determination to trust the Lord in the area of dating as a relationship problem.

The encounter for an extended period of time with some other set of values opposite to mine was a little shocking to me. Not that I have not met people doing the above mentioned things, because I had. And still I was shocked. I was shocked because I didn't expected it, not in that place, nor among those people. I found myself torn between the desire not to be different, to be able to be part of their jokes and conversations, and the holding on to the values I had. Sometimes, while listening to the endless talks about that girl and the other one they have seen on the street, I felt just like an object.

And you know what is weird? They almost made me believe that this is the world of men and I have to accept it. That they are all the same and I have to accept that I am weird. That I have to accept to feel like an object. That I have to laugh when they are saying vulgare jokes. That words with double meaning are something normal. That I have to get used to them turning their head on the street after some good looking girl and flirting around with strangers. That playing around with no intention of being intentional in a relationship is normal. They almost made me believe that one cannot find anymore men who stand for what they believe because the majority of them didn't really know what they believed in. They managed to shake my whole world... until I listened to a presentation that woke me up and made me realize that there are still upright people. Men who don't use dirty jokes, who do not turn their head on the street. Who do not flirt and play around with hearts. Who know what they believe and stand for what they believe. Men who are gentleman and make me feel a woman and not an object around them. Men who love Him and make Him the object of their conversations and not the good-looking girls.

The time I spent in Kalahari made me miss so much the company of dedicated people. People for whom God is not only a nice notion and Somebody you go to just when you are in trouble or in need. People who are interested in mission and not only adventures. People who want to obey Him because they love Him. People who know what they believe and stand for what they believe. People who are asking themselves: "What does God want me to do?" and who long to grow and learn more of His ways. People who live what they say they believe. People who will not laugh at me because I took my Bible with me on a 4 days trip and who will not call me Virgin Mary because of my innocence.

So, I thank God for sending me these challenges. They make me think... and decide for myself. And they make me appreciate even more integrity and faithfulness and purity.