Ruth, a Story of Grace, Love and Redemption

I have always been fascinated by Ruth! There is something about her that makes her special to me. So, since my Bible study took me to the book of Ruth, I though that I should share a few of the insights on my blog.

Ruth's story is a story of God's grace in the middle of sorrow and pain. She becomes a widow at a very young age, but because she loves her mother-in-law she stays with her. When Naomi decides to return to her country, Ruth decides to go back with her, despite Naomi's plea to go back to her family. She leaves everything that was familiar to her to go to a place she has never been and join a people she is not part of and was very different from. I cannot help but wonder why did she make this choice? Why did she choose to go somewhere where she was a foreigner and intruder? It must have been something that she saw in her husband, Naomi and her family, something valuable that she wanted to have at any price, at the price of never seeing her family again. What a wonderful testimony of Naomi's faithfulness! And what a wonderful testimony of someone who wants to have Jesus at any price. What price am I willing to pay in order to have Him? How much do I value Jesus? How much do I want to have Him? I feel that many times we turn back before Naomi tells us to go back home. It might be because we have not tasted of how good He is and we have not yet seen something that we want to have at any price. Or we might be looking for the wrong things.

Ruth follows Naomi being very much aware that she might never get married again. Actually, Naomi uses this reason when trying to make her turn back. But for her having Jesus was more precious and more important than having a husband. I simply love her priorities. I am sure that she wanted to get married, but she knows what are the most important things in life and she is going to have them even at the price of some things that she would like to have. She knows what she cannot live without and she surrenders her desires. Ruth is going to have Jesus even at the price of remaining single for the rest of her life. You see, this is why I love Ruth.

There are so many lessons to learn from her life and I am definitely not going to speak about all of them. I am amazed of God led her to Boaz' field. It was not Naomi who sent her there in the first place and I know it because when she comes back Naomi wants to know where she has been. God knew exactly where to send her. Another thing that is really standing out for me is her character. When she goes to Boaz, he tells her that "all the people from my town know that you are a virtuous woman." I was curious to see if there are any more places where the Bible says about someone as being a virtuous woman and I discovered that the only place is Proverbs 31. It is obvious that she had a very good reputation and she was a woman of character. She was very loyal to her mother-in-law and she was very industrious.

I admire Ruth, but I also deeply admire Boaz. He did not attempt to take advantage of her. He did not look down on her because she was poor. He redeems her. His attitude calls for the highest praise. 

I believe that Ruth lived Matthew 6,33: "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." She is one example that, when we seek for God and put Him first, He is faithful and He supplies for our physical and emotional needs. Her love story is one of the best love stories ever! Her life was not easy. She went through a lot. She suffered a lot. But she remained faithful to God and He rewarded her faithfulness.

Answered and Unanswered Questions

"So, are you in a relationship? Have you met someone?" I have been asked this question countless times. "You've got to do something. You have to start searching for a husband", I am told when I tell them that I do not have a boyfriend. I smile. There was a time when I tried to help them understand my point of view, but now I don't even bother. They don't understand. Some of them can't. Some of them don't want to. Some won't even listen. 

Those who have not seen me for a long time go on asking: "So, what are you doing? What are you up to?" I tell them that I am a translator for Hope Channel and that I am also working and traveling for ARME Ministries, leading united prayer and presenting workshops on prayer and united prayer.

"Oh, I see" some would say, glad that the mystery is now solved. Those who are more daring would even venture to say: "Than, how do you want to get married if you travel so much? Who would take you? You have to settle down if you want to get married one day." I smile again. I have heard this over and over again for the past 7 years since my life has been different from the life of most of my friends and acquaintances. 

So, aren't they right? I have been a volunteer five years and I have lived isolated in the jungle and desert. And now, even though I kind of settled down and have a job, I keep traveling the world. Humanly speaking, they have all the reasons to be worried for me.

What people see is the a girl who is strong, a leader who gets involved in so many projects, who travels, who speaks, who seems to do just fine all by herself. And I can't blame them. This is what one can see at a glance. Little do they know how much time I spend in prayer in order to have the power to do all these things and how many times I have pleaded with the Lord to let me be under the stage, to let me support someone, to be the helper that He created me to be. Little do they know that this leader feels so much the need to be led, to be protected, to follow someone. 

So, why did I spend 5 years isolated in the mission field? Why do I travel now? Why do I take speaking engagements? Because He has called me to. Because I know and I have seen that the best thing for me to do is to do what He is asking me to and to follow Him wherever He leads. You see, this life is not about me, about what I can do and what I cannot do, what I want or don't want. It is about Him and glorifying Him through my life. 

Nine and a half years ago I promised God to follow Him wherever He leads and do whatever He asks me to. And I also promised Him to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and trust that everything else will be added unto me. And this is what I am trying to do. I am very happy with what I am doing right now, but I am also looking forward to the day when I will be able to be the helper that He created me to be. 

"Well," you would say, "you are past the age most girls think they will be single. If God is in control, than why are you still single? If you are serving Him, why didn't He bring someone along until now? He knows you need someone and if you are doing His work He should be sensitive to your needs."

I can't claim that I have the answer to these questions. I know that I don't know a lot of things and I don't have a lot of answers. But there are a few things I know without a shadow of a doubt. Firstly, I know that missionary girls and girls who are traveling and doing God's work get married. So being in the mission field and traveling does not have anything to do with being single. I believe that He can drop someone out of the sky in the middle of the jungle for me. Secondly, I know that the best and only thing I should do right now is to make sure that I am following Him and that I allow Him to lead my life. Thirdly, I know that He is in control and that He wants what is best for me. That's all. And it is enough to help me live happily with unanswered questions. 

It does not mean that there are no days when I am confused, when I feel that He totally forgot about my singleness, when I feel lonely, when I wonder how much longer do I have to wait. There have been such days and I am sure there will be many more. But in the midst of all these, I have learned to be content. I have learned to enjoy my singleness and get the best of it. I have learned to love this season of my life. 

Does it mean that I gave up on love? Does it mean that I stopped hoping that I will one day get married? No, it doesn't. I have learned to love being single and not give up on love. I have decided not to allow my hopes and dreams for the future cast a shadow on my present. I have decided to learn to enjoy what I have, not to complain about what I don't. And it has been one of the best decisions I have made. 

If I am content, if I can rejoice and love my life just as it is now while hoping and waiting for the ONE, it is only because of Him. It is a gift of grace. My whole life and journey are a gift of grace. I know that He cares about my heart and my life even more than I do. This is a fact. It is what I know. And it is enough.

A Call to Prayer

I had just started to get comfortable - a job, a decent salary, a social life, friends and fun - when God tapped me on the shoulder. I can't remember very well how it all started even though it has been less than a month ago, but I have felt Him tapping on my shoulder harder and harder. And when He taps, one cannot simply ignore Him.

It was enough to see an example of someone who trusts Him and is led by Him, so, I told the Lord: "Lord, I want that!" "You can have it," He told me. It was as if scales fell off my eyes one more time and I understood again that His plans for me are big, bigger than I can imagine. It was as if His sweet soft voice wishpered in my ears: "What you are doing now is only temporarily. It is just a transition. I have bigger plans for you." I didn't argue with Him because I have suddenly started to feel tired of sitting in an office, but I have to admit that I thought in my mind: Bigger? What can be bigger than working for a christian television network and reaching millions of people?

"I have bigger plans for you!"
"Ok, I am fine with that! Just tell me what that is!"
"Tust Me!" that's all He told me.
"Lord, I have to admit that I am so afraid to step again on waters. I have been there for 5 years. I am also afraid that you will take me to places that I do not want to go to and ask me to do what I do not like to do. Just show me what you have for me and I will trust You!"
"Tust Me!" That is all He kept telling me.
And I kept telling Him of my fears until I decided it is of no use to go on and on like that.
"OK, Lord, I give in. I want to trust You, but fear keeps creeping in my heart. You have to take it away!"
It was all He was waiting for.

So, He started to show me a little of those bigger plans. First, He started to work again on my prayer life. Between hours spent on my knees and on prayer calls, listening to powerful sermons and studying the Word, I have realized once again that there are many things He needs to change in me. So, fear has crept in again in my heart. I started bargaining again with God:
"Lord, I want to be changed but I am afaid of the radical changes You might do in my heart."
"Will you trust Me?" was His question.
"Lord, I want to trust You, but You have to understand that I am already odd. I am already different. I already have different values. I already cannot find my place among young people of my age because we do not have too many things in common. I am simply afraid that these changes will make me be even more odd."
"Will you trust Me?" He asked again.
"I want to but I can't! I am afaid!"
So He kept asking for an answer until I gave in again: "Lord, I know I cannot trust You but I want to. Take away my fear!"
That is all He was waiting for. And then, peace and joy flooded my heart.

So, this is what I believe, the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I do not know where He is leading me, I do not know what the future holds. I just know that, for now, I am called to rededicate my life to Him, to stay on my knees and hold on to Him until He blesses me and those I am praying for, and to do my best as translator. I just know that prayer, the exemple of strangers who are men of prayer and the friendship of godly people who are prayer warriors has changed my life and have challenged me to become a woman of prayer. No wonder why I lately felt the need to spend a lot of time alone with the Lord and why I am not looking anymore to my friends and my social life for fulfilment.

So, I believe that I would never be the same again! I know that He is faithful and will finished the work that He has started in me.

He Knows My Fears

One of my biggest fears when I came to Bucharest was that I will not be able to find a church with a group of active young people. I hated the thought of going to church, sitting in a chair and listening to the sermon and than going back home, having no friends in church and doing nothing for the Lord. The perspective of not finding my place in the church scared me to death. Why was I so scared? Because I spent several summers in Bucharest in the past years and I have felt like a stranger. I simply found no joy in going to church. Sabbath School was boring and I hated to be a mere spectator.

While looking for an apartment, one of my friends told me about a girl who is also looking for an apartment and some girls to rent it with her. I didn’t know her, but we started talking on the phone and looking for an apartment to rent together. I didn’t know who she was and I simply do now know why I trusted her, but I know now that it was God who allowed my heart to trust.

Not only that we rented together an apartment, but also started to attend the same church. The first Sabbath I went with her to church, her youth group decided to have a rehearsal at noon. They were preparing to go to a country-side church and spend a whole Sabbath there to bring joy to the 30 members of that church.

I didn’t want to stay, but Christina insisted that I stay and sing with them. Though I didn’t know most of the young people, I felt at home. It so “happened” that they didn’t have anybody to play the piano for them, so I found something to do right away. And when I think that this was only my third Sabbath in Bucharest, I realize that the answer to my prayers came faster than I anticipated.

I am so thankful that the Lord showed me one more time that there is nothing I should be afraid of, because He cares about my needs... I am so happy I can gladly go to church and to youth meetings, having a Sabbath School lesson to look forward to, and knowing that I am going to meet friends, people who, like me, are seeking for the Lord. I am so happy that I can do something for the Lord with this youth group.

Yes, I realize that my faith was so small... I am so humbled by God’s love and care for me. He knew my need and had a solution prepared for me long before I was aware of it. What can I say, other than: Lord, I am in awe of You.

When God Is Enough

Valentine's Day is here. I realized that when I saw the decorations in town. While surfing the net, I also came across some articles on the same topic: A Single Girl's (tried and true) Guide to Valentine's Day or How to Survive Valentine's Day If You Are Single. And all I could do was smile. But even though I had a smile on my face, I realized that they reflect a sad reality. There are a lot of lonely people for whom the burden of singleness is too heavy to bear. And this type of articles are meant to help people forget about the emptiness they feel in their hearts. They try to give some shallow solutions to a deep problem. They try to find some short-term solutions and they may work for a while. But they do not solve the real problem.

So, while thinking about singleness and loneliness, my thoughts took me back in time to the day when I first realized that marriage will not make me happy. I also remember the day when I understood for the first time that God has to be enough and everything for me if I want to be happy. That was the beginning of an unforgetful journey with God. A journey with ups and downs. It took time for the truth to sink in. It took time for me to learn to let God control this area of my life. It took time to learn to be content in my singleness. And even though I was slow, I am happy that God had not given up on me.

If today I am happy as a single person, is because God is enough for me. He is everything for me. If I am content, it is because I chose to enjoy life as it is now. I chose to serve and I find joy and fulfillment in my service. I chose to give Him my future. I chose to give Him my dreams and my desires. I chose to give Him the pen to write my love story in His own time. And I know that He is working on it. Marriage is not the ultimate relationship we were created for. A relationship will not make us happy if we were not happy before. Until God is enough, we will never have enough.

Yes, there are days when I feel lonely. There are times when I ask Him: how long? And, yes, I have unanswered questions. But since God is enough, I can live with unanswered questions, I can still be content and happy because I give Him my burden, because I trust Him and because I know that, whatever He does, He does it for my best. You see, I can enjoy life because it is not about me. It is about His plans for me and my salvation. If He promised to lead me, why should I worry? If it is all about me being saved, why would I want a relationship at the price of my salvation? I asked Him to do anything that it takes to mold me and shape me into His likeness, and I believe that this is what He is doing right now.

So, praise God that I can say today: Jesus Christ is more than enough for me. It is all because of Him and His love for me.

Thankful for Tears

I went to church tonight. For those of you who do not know, the Romanian Hope Channel is broadcasting an evangelistic series. At one point in the presentation, while talking about the meaning of life, Pastor Lucian Cristescu talked about a lady who dedicated her life to helping the poor people of Haiti. Then, he talked about a dentist, a Romanian guy, who has taken a lot of mission trips to Africa and South America to help the sick people in isolated places of the world. I tried to hold back my tears but I just couldn't. Every time I hear a mission story or see a presentation about mission work, tears start streaming down my face. I just can't help it. Why am I crying? Because they remind me about a life full of meaning. Because my heart is there. I am not cut out for an office life. I don't know why I have to sit in front of a computer 7+ hours a day. But I am not asking God why because I know that He knows why. I trust Him and I know that this is His plan for me now. And His plan is for my best. Believe me, I am not a person who cries easily. But there are a few things that instantly bring tears to my eyes. I have just talked about one.

This is for the second time my eyes are flooded with tears this week. I talked to a friend this week. We finally found some time to talk since both of has had a lot of work to do. She is a little bit older than me and got married a few months ago. We haven't seen each other in a long time and she promised to share with me her love story whenever we have the time to sit down and talk. For those who do not know, I love to hear people talking about they way God leads them. And I love to hear love stories written by God's hand. As she was sharing with me the details of the story and telling me all the things that God has done for them, I could feel so much excitement in her voice. She was so excited about the way God has led her. At one point in time, I chocked. My eyes were flooded with tears. I was trying to hold them back but I just couldn't. How could my heart be unmoved when I see how good the Lord is? Seeing that God is so faithful and that He always rewards those who patiently wait on Him is simply moving me to tears.

So, I thank God for tears. I thank Him for the wonderful years that I have spend in the mission field. And I thank Him for people who are faithfully waiting on Him. They are such an inspiration to me. I am not afraid to cry because it is a sign that the Holy Spirit is moving upon my heart, that He is there to remind me that life with God is wonderful.

Come to the Quiet!

This is the invitation God addressed me a few weeks ago. I came home pretty disappointed at others and myself and with no vision of where I am heading. My Namibian experience was a meaningful one in many ways and I really enjoyed it except for one aspect: the spiritual side. My fellow missionary colleagues and I have different moral values and, consequently, I felt alone many times and at times I have to admit that I set for less than God’s best for me and that I struggled a lot with taking time for the Lord. When you wake up at 5:30 and stay in the kitchen the whole day cooking for 50-70 people, and then go back to your tent around 8:30 – 9 o’clock, believe me, it is hard to find time to read your Bible and to pray. And this schedule went on like this for a few good months. Don’t get me wrong! I really enjoyed cooking (cooking is one of my hobbies) even though I went there to start a school and not to do a cooking career. Needless to say, I came home exhausted and longing for my quiet time with my God. And, thank God I can have it and fully enjoy it! It feels so good to be able to re-consecrate myself to God and to spend quality time with Him.

For quite some time I have had this strong impression that I am starting a new chapter in my life, that God is calling me to serve, but in a different way than what I have done until now. I told a couple of friends about it. “So, what is that?” they asked me. I don’t know! I really have no idea. I just have this strong impression in my heart that God is opening a new way for me. There is nothing visible, tangible to show me that it is Him speaking but I know, deep down in my heart, that it is Him speaking to my heart. And I know it because I know my Lord, and because this is not the first time He is telling me that He is calling me to something new. Five and a half years ago, when I was working as a secretary for an SDA school, one morning, during my morning devotion I read from Isaiah. While reading, Isaiah 43:18,19 jumped out to me. I didn’t know what it meant. I just knew it is for me for that day. Later in the day I got an email telling me that, due to lack of funds, my position is dissolved. So, that meant that I was losing my job. I got panicked but as I remembered the verses, pace came over my soul. A peace that nothing and nobody can take.

So, I don’t know His plans for me. I don’t know what is He calling me to. But I know that He is calling me to service.

I was asking God one evening why do I have to spend some time at home and what are the things He is calling me to while being here. And while I was waiting in the silence, it suddenly struck me! And I could hear so clearly His soft voice. Yep, it’s time for some character shaping experiences, time to learn some very important lessons (can’t name them all because it is something personal), time to rejoice with my family, to mend broken relationships (they do not seem broken on the surface at all), to learn to accept people who are so different from me, people I find difficult to accept, time to grow especially in the area of relationships and to help others grow. So, yes, I know why do I have to stay at home for a while. And it is so good to know what is He calling me to for now. I think that it is for the first time in 6 years when I am at peace with staying at home and not knowing what is next on His agenda. (For those who do not really know me, I am a pretty active person and I like to always have something to do. Life at home can be a little boring at times :D)

I know He is preparing me for something big. Not big in people’s eyes, but big in His eyes. He has called me to the quiet for now. I have been called to re-consecration and re-dedication of my life. And this is one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.

Never Settle for Less than God's Best

We all have the tendency to succumb to pressure. Be it peer pressure, or the pressure of our own sinful desires, or social pressure. This is the human nature. It is often under pressure that we settle for less than God's best for us. It is so easy to decide to pursue God's very best when reading a book about surrender. Or when spending time with Him in the morning. But when the rubber meets the road, when we are faced with temptations, things are not the same.

It is easy to hold on to the ideal when surrounded by people who encourage you to do so and who strive to do so themselves. But what about when people around you live their lives as if they are their own? As if there is no such thing as God's best for them? They are content with a ordinary mediocre life. And for them this is "the best". Some of them might be godless, but others might be Christians. They might profess that they love God and serve Him. It is around such people that you are challenged the most.

It is so easy to be content with less around the latter group because God's very best for you may be equal to narrow mindedness, or stupidness, or silliness, or living from books to them. One is simply outdated around such people. So, settling for less seems the perfect solution. It's hard to be odd, to be outdated, to be just different. Mixing in the crowd is so much easier.

A lot of times the times we don't even realize we are settling for less because we don't do it purposely. It just comes naturally from the desire to be like the rest of the group. Just think a little, who likes to be odd? Who likes not to be able to laugh about certain jokes when everybody else is laughing? Who likes to to be laughed at because he reads his Bible? Who prefers to spend the evening alone when everybody else is watching a movie (I am not talking about good educational movies)?

While thinking about the times when I did settle for less, I asked myself a question: Isn't pursuing God's best for me just an excuse for being a difficult person? Or for being picky? (I'm alluding here mainly to relationships.) 

I've been accused of being too righteous and picky in different occasions. It seems that what is pursuing God's best for me, for some people is just my caprice. Am I being picky and too righteous? Are they right? For instance, let's look at the area of relationships. Am I using the excuse of waiting on God's timing and God's best just to cover for my caprice? Just think a little: in my late 20s, haven't been in a relationship for more than 9 years and I have been just in one relationship all my life, I have traveled the world in the past 7 years so I had a lot of opportunities to meet guys (so they say).

I did some soul searching as I do from time to time. I asked Him what He thinks about this. What He thinks about me being different, about me being single? And you know what He told me? He told me to follow Him. And he also told me to wait on Him. He was also different. 

"I will never ever make another decision on my own." This is what I promised Him 9 years ago. And I am still sticking to that promise. I know that I am following Him. I know that  I am waiting on Him. I also know that my life is in His hands. I believe that I am seeking His Kingdom and His righteousness and He will take care of all my needs. Yes, I am an old fashioned girl who trusts her Father and I am proud of it! I believe that my Father is looking after me so I don't have to worry.

Settling for less than His best...

I was tempted to do it so many times... just because I was so tired to be different, to be odd. But God nudged me and reminded me that I should allow Him to be in charge. I might be odd, I might be old fashioned, but I do not care! He was odd, too!

So, thank God that every time I tend to drift away and be content with less than His best for me, He is right there sending me signals that I am going in the wrong direction. And He patiently waits for me to get the message and come back on the track to pursue His best for me. 

Note to self: Don't you ever settle for less than God's very best for you, Raluca!

Back Home, For a While...

Life is full of surprises sometimes and God allows all kind of situations in our lives... As you know, I left for Cluj a week ago, then Budapest where I was supposed to take the plane for Namibia. On Tuesday we were told our visas are approved but not issued and that we should go ahead and go to Budapest because they will be issued. And so we did. We left Tuesday night and reached Budapest Wednesday morning. We waited in the airport continually checking our email and hoping that the visas will be there... The check in time came and we didn't have our visas. So we had to come back home. :D Not only that our visas were not issued but they were refused. The authorities asked for some more certificates from Pilgim Relief Society. Thank God we could change the plane ticket and postpone our departure for October 20. There are 4 of us in this situation.

So, here we are, still waiting and hoping that God will perform a miracle for us. Even though I do not want to ask God why, the question is there. Is God allowing this just to teach me some lessons and to teach me to trust Him or is He showing me that He wants me somewhere else? Or is this Satan trying to discourage me? I know for sure God allowed this with a purpose, but I can't see it right now so I keep asking myself why. Hope I will find some answers soon since the silence and darkness are becoming heavier with each passing day.

Waiting Season... Again

It seems that the Lord considers that He has to work on my patience again so He keeps creating situations in which my patience is tested. We were supposed to leave for the Kalahari Desert sometimes around September 15 but so far we are not sure when we will be leaving. We might be leaving when we were supposed to, or we might be leaving later. It all depends on God and on His timing. We are waiting for Him to provide the funds for our plane tickets. So, I am back to where I was every August for the past 4 years. The good news is that even if I had to wait, God never failed me and He always sent the money I needed. I know that, if He keeps me here longer, He has a purpose. It's all about His timing. It is not easy to wait. It is much easier to become tired of waiting and restless. But I am learning to wait on Him even when I want so much to be able to do certain things right away. There are around 23 of us supposed to leave so please keep praying for us and for the money we need in order to leave for the African land.

Thank You, God, for Strangers!!!

Yes, I thank the Lord for people that I don't know, or maybe I met them just once - strangers in a nutshell - whom He uses to talk to me, to reveal things or maybe just make things clearer for me.

This morning I decided to listen to one sermon while I was cooking. So I picked my computer and wondered if I should listen to one of Ron Clouzet's sermons that I hadn't listened to. The title didn't sound too promising to me: "Saul, Saul why persecute me?" I am not a persecutor, am I? I needed something to help me understand God's will for me... And even tough it seemed unpromising, I decided to give it a try. Little did I know that God had some many things to tell me through this sermon (I highly recommend it to everybody). He had a special message for me and I am so happy that I have listened to the still small voice that told me to listen to it.

There are many things that God told me but I will tell you just a few of them. I chose to write almost word by word the preacher's words... I wish you could listen to the sermon. It makes much more sense.

• In Acts 22 Paul was the only one able to hear God's voice. Others heard something but not the voice of Jesus. The same thing happened to the people of Israel on Mount Sinai. God spoke the 10 commandments. Only Moses understood God but people heard thunder. Sometimes we think that people ought to understand clearly what God is telling us clearly. But all they hear is thunder. But sometimes that thunder is our thunder because we have heard God and we have heard Him speak very clearly to us, then we thunder to others exactly the things we think they should have heard. But is nothing but thunder to them. Jesus deals with us individually. He knows exactly the timing, the process for each one of us... I'm not trying to discourage anyone from sharing what Jesus have said to them but keep it to that. Perhaps then God will use the Spirit in terms of your testimony to say to them: I want you to think about it. We try to make up with volume for what we assume it's a failure of the Holy spirit to speak with sufficient clarity sometimes.

• God's call to service is never ahead of His call to know Him. When God calls you He first calls you to know who He is and then He shows you whom He was. Are you going to let Him do that? Are you going to allow Him to take you through both these processes? Do not skip one for the other. Many of you here today are wrestling right now with where God wants you to work, whom does God want you to reach. If that is not clear to you, stick to the first part of your call: get to know Jesus. Get to know Him, get to know how you have persecuted Him, what He has done for you, how patient He has been with you, and He will show you at every corner, at every turn: these are the people I want you to reach, these are the doors that I am opening for you. He will not do that clearly until the first part of your call is settled in your heart. That's why missionaries come back burnt out. That's why people with a great zeal for God sometimes fall great distances: because they forget the first part and run away with the second. God is calling all of us to know Him personally.
• If God wants you to grow He will disturb your peace.

It may not make too much sens to you, but it makes to me. I know I have concentrated so much on understanding where God wants me to be, that I forgot to concentrate on knowing Him better. If God is still silent, I know now it is because He wants to teach me to concentrate on getting to know Him. I know that He disturbed my peace just because He wants me to grow. So I decided to leave my future in His hands and to concentrate on knowing Him. It's hard to describe in words evey impression, every thought that God gave me this morning. You know, these things are not new to me, but it is amazing how God make them clearer and make them appear new just because of the vessel He uses, just because of the way somebody is presenting them.

If God talked to me today it is because of someone (a man who is completely stranger for me) was willing to share what God taught Him at GYC and because another person whom I met one time was willing to share with me the sermons he had.

So, I thank God so much for unselfish strangers!!! Even though they do not know it, if one day I will be in heaven, it is also because of them and their willingness to share what they knew or had with others.

He Cares.. He Really Does...

I was sure that today I will be breaking the so-long-waited news: visa granted or not granted. In fact I hoped to be able to say: visa granted! But it seems the Lord has some other plans.

I woke up this morning and I spent time with the Lord. I have read from the Bible and Patriarchs and Profets about David - I just continued my study from where I left it yesterday. While I was meditating, I started thinking about David who was anointed when he was just a little kid and who became a king only when he was 24. In fact, he became a king only for Judah at the age of 24. Only when he was 30 the Israel accepted him as a king. What was in between? Playing the harp for Saul, killing Goliath, running away from Saul, befriending Jonathan. In fact, most of this in-between time David was chased being insecure and trying to save his life. And I couldn't help wondering why. Why did he have to run away when he was the king in God's eyes? Why did he have to have such a life when he was the one God anointed? Why did God alow him to live such a cruel life for such a long time? Just think that there were not just a few months.. there were years...

Having this in mind I started my day not knowing that God had a special message for me that I was going to understand later in the day.

When I called the embassy I had butterflies in my stomach. In fact, the whole week I could hardly eat. I could feel the stomach ache but I had no desire to eat, I felt even nauseated. I talked to the lady at the embassy and she told me she hasn't seen the invitation. Call back next weekend...I tried to talk to her see if there is any chance that I should know earlier if she found the invitation but she was very determined so I had to give up.

Then, as I was cooking today, David's story came again to my mind - and I finally understood why the Lord had me meditate on David's life this morning. If David waited for years to get what he knew it is his, what the Lord has promised Him, can't I wait a few months? I cannot tell you what a joy brought to my heart to understand the fact that God warned me, He wanted to prepare me for what was going to happen and to give me hope... Some will call it coincidence but I call it the LOVE of my Father.

You know, it is not the first time when God warns me. It is also not the first time when he uses David's story to answer a prayer, to give me direction and hope. But more about this tomorrow...

Happy Sabbath everyone!

Christmas Again... And Time for Decisions

I cannot believe it is Christmas already... One more year passed. Compared to last year, this year I have a very, very quiet Christmas.

No more soccer games to watch,

no church service to attend,

no special dinner to cook... since I am at home just with my sister, my brother and grandpa.



Instead I've got a lot of time to think - evaluate and plan and make some decisions. Though I cannot say I like this quiet and cold Christmas, I know I need it. I need this time to think about what I have done so far and what I am going to do from now on.

Since I am still at a cross road and I need to make a choice soon, I decided it would be good if I go online and listen to some presentations on understanding God's will. So today I went to AudioVerse and downloaded some sermons that prooved to be a tremendous blessing. Ron Clouzet has some rally good presentations on the topic. I really enjoyed listening to him. He gives seven steps that can be a help in discerning God's will:

1. Surrender your entire will to God.
2. Believe His will for you is always the best.
3. Check the Scripture in order to follow it.
4. Pray for guidance and strength.
5. Consider how God led you in the past.
6. Seek counsel from unbiased Godly friends.
7. Move forward.

After analizing my situation, I realized I have followed this steps and the time has now come that I move forward. He also said something that I knew but that I needed to hear again: "When you follow all these steps, there is a point when you need to make a decision. If you make no decision you will make a mistake. It is better to make a decision and make a mistake than make no decision. If you make a decision sincerily, genuinly, God will take care of you when you make the mistake. If you thought everything is leading you in this direction and if it is the wrong direction, God will make a detour because you have done your part, you have sought His will."

So, having this in mind, after I have analized my situation, I have decided to go ahead and try to get my Guyanese visa one more time. So I'm going ahead with my plans for Guyana until God will either open or close all the doors. I know it will not be easy to stick to my decision since some of people I love and respect do not agree with me but I know God will help me.

There are several reasons why I decided to go ahead with my Guyana plans. First, I know for sure God called me there 3 years ago but I have nothing to tell me He wants me somewhere else. Then, I know there is a need for continuity, for people who already understand the culture and thus can befriend and understand people easier. Then, there is my love for Guyana because of what the Lord has done in my life and how He changed me there. Then, I love the jungle and the quiet life, I love gardening, cooking over an open fire, washing clothes at the river... In a nut shell, I love the challenges of the jungle living and I really think this is a gift from God since not so many people find jungle living atractive.

Then, there is one more thing I decided. To some may sound wierd, some will not understand... While talking to God one night before I fell asleep, I decided to put aside any thoughts on romance and marriage. I believe God thinks I can serve better as a single person. So, marriage is not for me. I do not say this because I have no perspective or because I want to shock some of you. I just beleive that God is coming soon and that I need to focus on serving Him and spreading the Gospel and a relationship will distract me from fully focusing on service. So, here I am happy and ready to face a life of service having God as my friend. I have already served for three years as a single person and I have grumbled at times for being alone. This time I am going having another mindset and I know that things will be different.

I'm looking forward to the things God has in store for me! Looking forward to serving and also to learning from Him.

Learning to Wait

It's been only a couple a weeks ago that I was so sure on what I am going to do. Only just a couple of weeks ago I was full of hope and joy, having found the answer to the questions: what's next? where can I serv You at my best? At least this is what I have thought then. And it took just a few days to be surrounded by fog again and to go back to the starting point, back to the land of unanswered questions (this is not because I don't have any options right now or that I do not know what I want to do but it's because of some other reasons). So, I'm back to waiting. I keep asking myself why, keep trying to find out if there is anything I need to give up to, something else that I need to learn.

I have never thought I won't be able to adapt back to my culture and to what once I used to like. I found myself longing every day for the simple jungle life, longing to live in the middle of the nature and to forget all about this complicated civilized life. Is it wrong what I want? No, I don't think so. Is it that God wants something else for me? I wish I can answer with all my power YES (because I know for sure this is what I want) but the situation I am in right now makes me more cautious about my answer. So, I prefer not to asnwer this question and to limit God. I know this is what God wants for all of us, to be able to live close to Him and to His nature, and I know this is what I want to.

Waiting on God... I listened to day to a sermon with this title and it made so much sens to me. But when it comes to applying this to my own life, it seems to hard. I've been waiting for the past 3-4 months and it seems I got tired of waiting. Sometimes I'm asking myself: where is the girl who has been telling to everybody for the past 3 years that God has a plan with everyone's life and there is no greater joy than to know you are where God wants you to be and you are doing what He wants you to do? Apparently, taking care of my grandpa and working of getting a long term visa for a former student of mine, that's what God had me do for the past 3 months. It's not what I wanted to, I have to admit, but I tried to enjoy even though I caught myself complainning at times (shame on me!!!).

Waiting, waiting, waiting... that's in a nut shell what I am up to. I have no doubts that God has a plan with my life and that sooner or later He will reveal it me. Waiting peacefully and joyfully... this is my challange. I've got to a conclusion not long again. I realise that I want to learn to wait in pace more than I want to understand God's plan for me. Yeah, my deceitful heart wants desperatly to find out the answer to the question: What's next? Where should I go to serve? more than to learn to wait (and I know that this desire is not bad). But my brain understand the necessity of learning to wait on Him. So, I guess I am learing to wait right now despite my unwillingness to accept taking this difficult lesson... I'm not a very good student but God hasn't given up on me.

So, I am learning the difficult lesson of waiting. Hopefully I will learn it and God won't have to bring me again to a similar situation.