Physical Intimacy in Courtship - God's Way

Roman and I received some question from a few people related to our physical intimacy during our courtship and engagement. "Is it ok to hold hands during courtship? Are hugs OK? What about kisses?" So I decided I should write a blog post about that, just in case there are other people out there who have similar questions.

First of all, we do not believe in a one-size-fits-all set of rules. So we are not going to tell you, do this, don't do that. But we believe in some guidelines that have helped us to stay on the right track. 

1. Honour God through everything you do. Everything we do in a relationship will honour or dishonour God. Before taking the next step in the physical intimacy ask yourself: "Is it honouring God? Is it something that will draw me closer to Him? Can I do this with God standing next to me?" Roman kept telling me during our courtship that he wants God's full blessing, not only part of it. If we want God's full blessing, we need to honour Him through EVERYTHING, including our physical intimacy. 

2. Make haste slow. The get-to-know-each-other phase of the relationship is a wonderful one. It is the time when a couple explores each other's world and tries to decide whether or not they are compatible. But many times, if the physical intimacy starts too soon, it can interfere with this process. Once a couple has physical intimacy (holding hands, hugging, kissing), it is much difficult to make rational decisions because of all the hormones released into the body. It is said that once there is physical intimacy, the process of getting to know each other slows down a lot. And I can attest that this is true. Eleven years before I met Roman, I had one other relationship in which the physical intimacy started too soon. A few months later we started doing premarital counseling (we were pretty sure that we are heading to marriage) and our counselor asked us to write down a few things about each other (what we appreciate the most, what we dislike, what we would change in the other). I simply had a hard time writing all those things down. I realised that I did not know the guy. No wonder it took me 7 months to break up with him even though I knew he is not the one for me a month into our relationship. I just could not do it and I did not know why. Now I know. And I wish I did things differently. 

3. Take a step back when needed. There are things that once you do them, create impure thoughts and feelings and also desires that cannot be fulfilled at that stage of the relationship. If this happens, take a step back. Be true to yourself and admit it when something is not helping you to remain pure. Do not be afraid to admit that it is not good and to take a step back. A lot of books and people will tell you that this is not possible. But Roman and I are a proof that it is possible. It might not be big thing, as it was with us. It might not be a no-no for courtship or engagement. But if it is not helping you keep your purity, ask God for the strength to stop doing that specific thing. 

4. Be true to yourself. It is so easy to calm your conscience when you enjoy something that is not helping you to keep your purity. That is why you need to be very true to yourself and ask for God's help.

4. Respect each other. We are all different and we have different reactions to different things. Our bodies and minds react different to different stimuli. Our past experiences is one of the things that causes these differences. You might discover that something that is OK for you is not OK for your partner. Something that does not affect your purity, affects your partner's purity. This is the time when respect, consideration and self-control are needed. It happened with us, too. Things that I was OK with, did not help Roman. So talk about those things and stick to what is OK for both of you. 

5. Ask God for self-control. We all need to self-control. This is one of those things that most people struggle with. It is a battle that Eve lost and Jesus had to win in the wilderness. Having self-control is essential if we want to honour God and maintain our purity. Many times our feelings and the hormones rushing through our veins will push us to do things that we will regret later. That is why it is important that we ask God for self-control and that we watch and pray. 

6. Set clear boundaries from the beginning. It is important that both of you communicate your expectations and get to an agreement at the beginning of your journey. As I said, people coming from different environments, with different backgrounds and experiences might have different expectations. It will save you from a lot of mistakes and it will help both of you to respect each other and to honour God. It is said that if you want to overcome temptation, you should set your mind on what you want to do before the temptation comes. Same thing applies to the physical intimacy in a relationship. Decide the boundaries and help each other to stick to them. 

Engagement Pictures

I know that I have been pretty quiet lately... but we the wedding coming close (only 12 more days to go!!!), I hardly have time to breath! 

If some of you would like to watch the LIVESTREAM of our wedding, here is the webpage where you can watch it: http://romanandraluca.weebly.com/ The wedding will take place on June 8, 2014 and will start at 12 PM (UTC +3 hours). 

Here are some of our engagement pictures. Hope you enjoy them. 

Our Love Story - The Engagement

This is part 6 of our Love Story. 
If you have not read part 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 you can go here:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

December 12 was our 7 months courtship anniversary. I was secretly hoping that we would get engaged since number seven is important for both of us, but the way most of the day went took away all my hopes. We started the morning with people yelling at us for things we have done or not have done. Just a few days prior to that our good friend Martin Kim sent us a presentation about humility... So, as you can see, we had our opportunities to apply that message. The next day the person apologized (and we really appreciated that), but it was enough to take away some of our joy that day. We spent the day shopping for food for an event where we had to organize a meal. And while I was able to get over the incident in a couple of hours, Roman was still affected (actually, there were some other things that were bothering him). He promised me that we will do something special on our anniversary, but when I saw how affected he was I thought that the whole day will be spoiled and I hoped we can do something special the following week. 

We got home around 4 PM. I went to the kitchen to do something and he went to his room "to work on some stuff". Later on I went to his room and knocked on the door. It was strange that he was talking to someone in English and he did seem happy to let me come in. Actually, he kept me at the door. I was a little suspicious, but I put aside all my suspicions. (Later on my suspicions were confirmed... he was talking to my dad asking his permission to marry me). We did not have any lunch and even though we said that we will be eating at 4:30 PM he kept pushing the time... 6:30 PM was the last time he decided on. Later on, when he had to leave the room, he told me not to go to his room because he had a present for me there... Initially I thought that he would take me out to eat, but when we started to warm up the food, I realized that it is not going to happen. It was getting late and I was wondering when will we have time to go somewhere and do something special. It was already 6:30 PM, we had to eat and there seem to be no time for something else. 

When he was ready, he asked me to go with him to his room before we eat. And this is what I found there (btw, the picture do not do it justice - the room was stunning!!!):  

His room was totally changed. There were candles everywhere, a pathway of roses, a table set for two with our picture and some stuff we got in South Africa, with a stone in shape of a heart, and rose petals. I was more than surprised!!! I never expected something like that. We had never had a romantic dinner... And I never really got to see too much of his romantic side... I remember telling him some time ago that he is not very romantic and he told me that this is one of his ways to guard his heart and not lead me on until He clearly understands that he has to move on and take the relationship to the next level... So seeing all these made me speechless... It was more that I could ask for! 

We ate together. Who cared that we were eating the food I had cooked 2 days before (that was tasty, btw), or that someone called me on skype (I did not pick up the call!!!), that someone knocked on the door when he was about to propose (he told them he will call later the person who had call him on the phone), that he could not get me flowers cause I insisted that I go shopping with him or that the present he ordered for me did not make it... We had a very romantic dinner... talked about our journey and how God led us. We reminisced all the wonderful memories we had together. Than he read to me 1 Corinthiens 13. Up to this point I was still not sure what to believe. There were some hints that got me thinking a little - like him holding my hand which we did not really do up to this point (we held hands very, very rarely an when we did it it was more of a hand squeeze for a few seconds). But when he started reading 1 Corinthiens, I knew he is up to something. We have never told each other 'I love you' because we decided to do that only when we got engaged. So I knew that he would not read something about love to me, if he was not ready to take the next step. And it was true. Next thing... he was on one knee asking me to marry him! 

We praise God for how He led us. Two weeks prior to that we fasted for a few days for our future together. I did not know at that time, but Roman told me later on that around that time 3-4 people approached him unbeknownst of each other and asked him why is he not moving forward in our relationship and that they believe it is time he moved on.  

I am so happy to have such a wonderful, humble and God-fearing man in my life. He has shown me Christ more than anyone else. His love for God, his positive attitude and his steadfastness are so contagious.  

  

We are looking forward to a double celebration on the 8th of June 2014: the celebration of our marriage and the 34 year wedding anniversary of my parents! We pray that God and only God will be glorified through our wedding and our lives. And we are excited to see where God will take us next and what He will do in and through our lives.  

Our Love Story - The Courtship

This is part 5 of our Love Story. 

If you have not read part 1, 2, 3 and 4 you can go here:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3
Part 4

When the IMPACT Conference was over, I was relieved. Roman had one and a half more days in Romania, so I was looking forward to spending some time with him. I was also a little disappointed that he did not have an answer from God, but I chose to leave it in God's hands. After the conference was over I heard that he is going to visit Bucharest with some of the speakers. I wished I could go with them, but there was no more room in the car for me. I wished them a nice time together right when they were about to leave. Roman's puzzled expression told me that something was wrong and he was not so excited to go with them anymore. He thought that I would be going, too. So, when he found out that I am not going, he told me that he would rather stay back and spend some time with me. Needless to say, I was more than happy to hear this. The fact that I am important to him and that he would rather spend time with me than go visit new places thrilled my heart and made me feel special. We went out to eat but we ended up buying pizzas and coming back to eat them.

Than we had "the talk". One of those talks that changed my life forever and that showed me that God can do the impossible possible. One and a half days before that, he was not sure if it was God who wanted him to pursue a relationship with me or if it was only his own desire. Now, he told me that he got his answer. He was sure that God has given him green light. 

What happened? How did he get the green light? He talked to one of the speakers of IMPACT and asked him how can he be sure that it is God leading him and not his own desires. The speaker told him two things. First, that God sometimes opens doors and opportunities and we need to use them. Otherwise it might be a long time before another opportunity arrives. Secondly, since he knew both of us a little bit, he could not see why the two of us might not make a good couple. This is exactly what Roman had prayed for - that God will make it very, very clear to him. So he understood that this God's answer to his prayer. 

Courtship was a wonderful time, a time for growing, a time for learning more about each other. We had always said that if we cannot serve God better together, than we have no business to be in this relationship. So we prayed for opportunities to work together. God had opened the opportunity even before we met each other. At the beginning of the year I was asked to go and lead the prayer room for a youth congress in Pretoria, in South Africa. I was also told that I need to find another person to come along with me. So God prepared the first opportunity for us to serve together even before He brought us together. Isn't God awesome?

Our first trip together was not without adventures. We almost missed our first flight. We got stuck in Dubai for a few hours and could not make it for the opening meeting of the congress. But we finally got there and had a blast working together, praying with people from all over the world.We did not know where we were going to stay for the three extra days we spent visiting South Africa, but God provided accommodation in a wonderful way. We met a nice family that opened the door of their house for us and did not want a penny in return. It is wonderful to have brothers and sisters in Christ all over the world and a wonderful God who takes care of everything.

The more I got to know Roman, the more I realized something: I am glad that God chose for me! Cause He knew exactly what I need. If I were to choose myself, I do not think that I would have made the right choice. I always imagined that I would marry a very strong leader, someone who likes to be upfront, someone who is very energetic, a sanguine who loves people. Well, Roman is not like that. But he has many other qualities that I prayed for which are more valuable. He might not be a people's person, but he deeply cares for people, loves to counsel them and help them through their challenges. They know that they can trust him and they can always come to him with their burdens. He might not like to be upfront and he is not a charismatic leader, but he loves to be work behind the stage, there where nobody sees him. He is such a humble and wise guy! And he has a lot of influence on people from his place under the stage. 

So, I have to admit, I would not have chose him in the first place, if I had to make the choice cause I did not know him too well and there was nothing glamorous about him to attract my eye. He did not flirt with me, he did not try to impress me, he did not try to show off his qualities. I am glad that God made the choice for me. Cause Roman is exactly what I need and has all the qualities I have ever prayed for. Now, I am actually happy that he is not the sanguine I envisioned myself married to. And I am happy that he is the humble guy that he is and that God is using him to touch lives from under the stage. I am glad that he does not try to attract people's attention to him. Instead through everything he does he tries to turn their eyes to Jesus.

So, for us it was not love at first sight. There were no sparks in the beginning. In our case love came softly... And I am glad that it was like that. The more I got to know him, the more I fell in love with him... the more I respected him... the closer I was drawn to Jesus. Could I have asked for more? 

To read the rest of our Love Story go here:
Part 6

Our Love Story: What I Liked About Roman from the Very Beginning

This is part 3 of our Love Story. 

If you have not read part 1 and part 2 you can go here:

Part 1

Part 2 

I have never celebrated Valentine's Day and I do not make such a big deal out of this day. I find it hard to say Happy Valentine's Day because it has no meaning to me, but I like to find excuses to celebrate and do something special. So Valentine's Day is a perfect excuse for celebrating. Today, since I am far away from my sweetheart and we cannot do something special together, I decided to blog about what I liked about him from the very beginning.

The very first think that impressed me was the fact that he is a thinker. He was not content with swallowing the ideas that I presented in the workshop. He started thinking about what he heard and wanted to share his thoughts and ideas with me. It has never happened to me before. I was surprised and I loved it.

Than while we were talking, he wanted to draw my attention to something I said in the workshop that could have been interpreted in a wrong way. He did this with so much tact. I was again impressed. It showed me that he can approach difficult subjects with very much wisdom and tact. I am so thankful that he has this quality!

God has also used him to show me something. Before Youth in Mission I was wondering if we should have an all night prayer meeting during YiM. I decided that it would be too much since I was not going to get too much sleep at night. But while talking to Roman, he asked me to tell him more about the all night prayer meetings and if we are going to have one. Before he did that another friend asked the same thing. So, when Roman asked the same question, I knew that the Lord is speaking to me and I should ask permission to have an all night prayer meeting.

I was also impressed by his attire. I could see that he knows how to dress, how to match colors. Actually, he seemed quite trendy to me. He was not extravagant, which is usually associated with being trendy, but he simply looked good in what he was wearing. Not to say that he was good looking.

Well, to understand better why I liked Roman from the very beginning, I decided to share with his permission an excerpt from one of his emails to me. Right after we started corresponding, in his second email to me Roman told me that he wants to get to know me better. I wrote back asking why me and if he is sure that this is what the Lord wants. Here it is what he wrote back:

Raluca, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts with me about the topic I raised. I would like to encourage you never to allow anyone or anything to get between you and Jesus! It is inspiring to know that there are people who are honest about their relationship with the Lord! To be honest, it would make things much easier and less complicated if the Lord made it clear to me that I should not be interested in having a relationship and if I knew that God's way for me is to stay single and happy with Him! For a relationship does cost time and effort, and this effort will only be blessed if it is from the Lord.

I hate to waste time... And whatever is going to happen I like you as a person (as little as I was able to get to know you) and sister in the Lord and would be glad if we could be friends in sharing and growing to a higher experience with God.

Nevertheless I have been asking God for a while to take away any interest in getting married if He wants me to stay single. But I have also prayed that if He wants me to be in a relationship to prepare me for my wife and her for me.

I believe that God places good desires/wishes in our hearts. When I try to imagine how a wife would be like, in my mind she is a woman who can pray.

Sister White stated that the biggest curse for a minister is an unsanctified wife! This really made me think! I am thinking that I'd rather stay single than to make the wrong decision. I want the full blessing of the Lord, not His curse!

I also prayed for a wife who would bring me closer to God, who would inspire me to be a better Christian.

Beside the fact that the Lord created you in a way that glorifies Him as Creator (and is notable from me as a man), it was the spiritual aspect that interested me the most. If it had not been for that, I would not have asked permission to get to know you better.

I am a very practical person. To decide if a relationship might be considered (which we are not talking about) it is helpful to simply get to know a person better. When I could see that the goals in life are different, than the answer is clear.

If a relationship is not helping both persons to grow spiritually and to come closer to God, it is a waste of time. I do not want anything like that.

I am more of a private person. I do not need a lot of people around to be happy and also do not open up to everyone. Still sometimes I meet a person in whom I can trust even though I have known this person only briefly. I don't know why, but I found it easy to trust you.

I find it interesting that God put the desire in my heart to have a deeper experience in prayer, and it is also interesting that your booth (ARME) was right next to ours, what gave me the opportunity to talk to you. I think He made me trust you and be open with you even though I hardly knew you. I do not think that it is by chance that shortly before YiM I was writing with your friend Marisa who told me that your prayer ministry had an impact on her life.

All these things do not necessarily mean anything. But I am observing and trying to evaluate the information. I am also praying for a better understanding.

I can say that I am absolutely with you! It is a big deal who we are friends with and how we are using our time. If by any means that fact that we are friends would distract you or me from God, I agree that this should not happen.

I am happy being single. Still sometimes there is something missing. Maybe like with Adam who spent time with Jesus, after Jesus left, he had none to share with what he had experienced that day.

If this desire is not from God, could you do me a favor and pray that God would take it away?

Have a good night.

Roman

Tell me, how could I not love this guy?

To read the rest of our Love Story go here:

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Blessed. I Am Blessed.

I am blessed and life has never been more wonderful. I turned 32 just a few days ago and I cannot be more thankful for this period of my life. I know that there are people who are looking behind wishing they were children again. Even though I had a happy childhood, I still believe that life is getting better and better and I would not exchange the life that I am living right now for any other period of my life. So, since I just had my birthday, I thought that I would like to write a little about God's blessings in my life.

The last year has been an amazing journey. Actually I think that the word "amazing" does not do it justice. I think that I can officially declare it the best year of my life and here is why...

I thank God for restoring my father's health. It is amazing to see that, even though last year the doctor said that he might need a heart transplant, this year his heart is functioning normally. It has been really good to have mom and dad around for the past three months and live in the same place. I know that I will miss them as our ways are parting again.

I am thankful for a nice and nephew that are full of life and that bring so much more color and sweetness to life.

I am also thankful for having my little sister around. Now, that she will be off to Norway for a year, I know that I will miss her. But, even though I know that life will be different without her around, I am thankful that she can get more training for God's cause.

One other thing that I am very thankful for is the prayer ministry that turned my life around and made life so much more sweeter. I have done a lot of traveling in the past year (twice to the States, three times to Germany, Austria, Sweden, Portugal, Italy), a lot of speaking and leading prayer. I have seen many lives changed. I have made many wonderful friends and met many precious people that have been such a blessing to me. I simply cannot see my life without the prayer ministry. It brought so much more meaning to life.

And than, there is this blessing:

He came in my life when I least expected it, when I was content with my singleness. He heard about me from a mutual friend who told him that my prayer ministry changed her life and that I will be attending the same event he was going to. He came to the prayer meetings almost every morning. Than he saw that I am going to present a workshop. He came to my workshop, but I do not remember to have seen him there. The workshop was a blessing for him. Since he is a thinker, he wanted to share with me some thoughts on prayer. I was really impressed (he says that I did not seem impressed at all). I am used to people coming to me for counseling and advice. But here was a guy who just wanted to share some deeper truths about prayer. And he has not stopped to share his thoughts with me ever since. 

The past three months have been full of happiness and smiles. We have been learning and growing a lot together. All I can say it is that he was worth waiting for. If I were to live my life again, I would not have it any other way. It is simply amazing to see how everything fits in and how wonderful it can be when God writes your love story. For me it was amazing to discover that God still has young men out there who put God first, who try to honor God through everything they say and do. I am so happy to court such a godly young man who is helping me so much to keep my eyes on Jesus.

One year ago I prayed a prayer: "Lord, give me Germany or I die." Who would have ever thought that God will choose to answer this prayer by giving my a German boyfriend? Believe me, having a German boyfriend was not part of my deal with God. This is not what I prayed for. Actually, just a few months before I went to Youth in Mission, I told one of my best friends that I could court a Portuguese, but never a German. Never say never, because sometimes God chooses to answer prayers in ways that never crossed your mind. My friendship with Roman is a proof of that.

I hope to be able to write down our amazing courtship story some day, but until then, I just wanted to let you know that God is amazing and He works in amazing ways. He exceeds our expectations and does exceedingly abundantly above all that we think or ask when we choose to put Him first.