Bitter-Sweet Memories

I sit in front of my computer, tears streaming down my face, wondering: What am I doing here? Why am I living in this huge city instead of living in a small jungle village? Why am I living on the 9th floor instead of living in a hut? Why do I have to spend 10-12 hours a day in front of the computer instead of teaching, working in the garden, visiting people? Why am I not there, in the frontlines of the battle? Why? It is not the first time I am asking myself all these questions. I have done it countless times. In fact, I have done it every time I read or listened to a mission report.

I am watching a video with Sarah and James Appel, medical missionaries in Chad. I watch them speak about God's calling for their lives. The conviction and assurance from their words and voices remind me about my own conviction that He has called me to be a missionary as long as I live. But now, here I am, in the middle of the city far different from the place where I envision myself living and doing mission work.

I watch them speak about pain and death and my heart feels the heaviness of each word. I hear them speak about challenges and I hurt with them again. I remember all the loneliness I faced, all the tears I shed. I can feel again the heaviness of the responsibilities on my shoulders. I remember having nobody to turn to for help and being crushed by the heavy load of my responsibilities. I remember also feeling that I cannot carry on any longer.

I watch them speaking about sacrifices and service and I remember finding out just a couple of months ago about their loss. They six months old baby boy died to malaria. I hurt with them, I cried and wondered why. I also remember Gary and Wendy and the loss of their 5 years old son to malaria. How shocked I was and how my heart ached for them. I think about my sacrifices. They might have felt big once but now they seem small compared to theirs.

I hear them speaking about the primitive conditions they live in: in the middle of nowhere with no electricity, no internet, no phone. I could almost breath in the humid air. I can almost feel the mud under my feet during the rainy season. And I can hear the rain falling hard on the shingles of the girls' dorm. I can hear the baboons barking early in the morning. I can see the fog lifting up in the morning and the humming birds looking for their food. I remember listening to the radio and hoping that the mission airplane will come and bring news from home. I also remember the frustration every time it was suppose to come but it didn't. I feel the expectancy built with each passing day. I can also feel the disappointments every time we had no news.

I watch them speaking and working as a team and I remember also watching Gary and Wendy Roberts doing the same. That's when I told the Lord: "This is what I want!!! This is exactly what I want!!! I will not marry someone who is not mission minded." Seven years have passed since I made this decision and I have not changed my mind.

I have no doubt that I belong there! There is no doubt that missionary blood runs through my veins. One and a half years passed since I came back and one would expect that I will be missing those places less and less and that the pain will be smaller. But it is not. My eyes still get moist every time I read a mission report. My heart still aches every time I hear a missionary speaking. 

But even though I am wondering and hurting again, I know that I have the answer. There is peace deep down in my heart because I know He brought me here. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am where He wants me to be. I remember Melody and the long prayer calls we had that revolutionized my prayer life. I remember finding a deeper and more meaningful relationship with my Lord. Than I remember GYC Romania, AMiCUS International Congress, ASI Spain, GYC France, EUD Annual Council, AMiCUS Romania, GYC Portugal and some other events where people found healing and peace, where they had a special encounter with God because of united prayer and because I allowed God to use me. And all this have happened since I came back home. 

I know that there is no service without sacrifice. Sometimes the sacrifices are bigger, sometimes smaller. I know that my sacrifice is worth it. It is worth all the pain, heartache, tears, loneliness and all the times I miss being in the jungle as long as I know that I am where He wants me to be. And for now He has called me to be here. 

GYC Portugal, a Life Changing Event

When I think about GYC Portugal all I can say is that God is amazing. I simply do not have words to describe how blessed I was to be there. I have experienced God's presence and I have seen Him working in amazing ways like never before. I have to admit that I was not really enthusiastic about going to this event. I was also wondering how is it going to be and how I will handle everything. No teammate was there to help me. I had also been really struggling before I left and I did not feel prepared for this event, but everything that happened there showed me one more time that the work will be done "not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts" (Zach. 4:6) and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

Though it was a rather small event (300 attendees) I was so surprised when I realized at the end of this event that there had always been at least 2-3 persons in the prayer room to pray with. The very first people I prayed with were one of the speakers and his family - Daniel Spencer, his wife Sarah and their three children Rebecca, David and Joel (ages 5, 7 and 9). It was so beautiful to be able to pray with this lovely family who understand the need for prayer and who loves God. All of them became very dear to my heart as we got to talk more during the conference and discovered that we have a lot in common.

United prayer is not a new notion for the Portuguese brethren. Only a month ago Elder Jerry Page and his wife visited Portugal and talked about united prayer. Many people told me how blessed they were by their presence. Someone told me that they watched the live streaming of Janet presentations, but at the end they felt that they did not get everything they could out of this 10 days of prayer. So they talked about how to have a deeper experience with God and someone came up with the idea of organizing 10 days of camp meetings of prayer and fasting! Wow... It left me speechless. I was so impressed with their desire to draw closer to God!

After my first announcement about the prayer room around 40 something people joined us for a session of united prayer. This is when I met Sonia. She did not pray much. In fact, she just listened to the prayers of the other people. But I got to talk to her in the end and I asked her to come back. She did and I was amazed to find out her story. She was not sure why she came to GYC and she thought that she will have to listen to long presentations and that there will nothing practical to help her wounded heart. You see, she was really hurting when she came to GYC and she was looking for healing. Than I went on the stage to talk about the prayer room and about united prayer. She told me that when she heard the stories I shared and she saw the passion I was speaking with, something in her heart told her that this is her answer. But Satan was not ready to give up on her and told her that this is just the same old stuff. Nothing new, nothing will change things for her. Praise God that He won and Sonia not only came to the prayer and found peace and healing, but she became one of my faithful translators and helpers. 

My three angels - Ana, Sonia and Marisol

It was after this prayer session that I also met Marisol. She also did not know why she came to GYC, but she knows now why and she also spent a lot of time with us in the prayer room. Ana is another angel sent by God to help me there. So, even though I had no teammate to help me with the prayer room, God sent me the right people at the right time. I was so blessed by their presence there.

Do you think that Satan stood still? When he saw that God is really at work, he tried his best to discourage me. Saturday night, just as I finished praying with the last group of people in the prayer room, I started having chills, high fever, a strong headache, sore throat, and sensation of vomiting. I also felt very weak and I could hardly walk. I was wondering if I could present my two workshops the next day and if I will be able to handle the prayer room. So I went to my hotel room, prayed and went to sleep. The next morning the fever was gone, but the rest of the symptoms were still there. I knew right away that this is not a physical but a spiritual battle. I also realized that Satan knows that something great is about to happen and that is why he tries to keep me down. But I was not going to let him have victory so I decided to get dressed and get going, praying that God will give me power as I go. And He did!!! It was amazing how He put a smile on my face the whole day and gave me power to present the workshops and feel very comfortable speaking in front of the people. 

As I was speaking, I simply felt how God was giving me the right words. I have no doubt that it was Him who gave me power and energy, who put the right words on my lips and who also gave me joy in my heart. And the response of the people was simply overwhelming. I was happy that the Portuguese Union already printed out the United Prayer Handbook in Portuguese so those who wanted it could have it in their own language.

At the end of the workshop a gentleman and his son came to talk to me. The father told me that he came to GYC because he wanted to hear pastor Stephen Bohr and Daniel Spencer speak. Now, after he came to the united prayer workshop, he knows that God brought him there because he had to attend this workshop. He was determined to go back home and start a prayer group. And he is only one of the many who told me the same thing, that they want to start praying unitedly in their churches.

There was also a lady who came to the prayer room. She faced many trials. She lost her son some time ago and her husband was suffering of a terminal illness. There is no need to tell you that she did not know how to smile anymore. She prayed with us and came back later on to tell me that people told her that this was the first time they saw her smiling. So, I praise God that He takes our burdens and that He can put again the smile on our faces.

One of my translators brought to the prayer room all the young people from her church but two of them. One of the two did not come was a young girl who refused to come because her mother was against united prayer. Monday night, just as I was getting ready to go home, a young lady came to talk to me and ask for some advice concerning some practical aspects of the Christian life. After I talked to her, she asked me if I had the prayer room open the next day (the last day of the convention). I was not really planning on having it open because the convention was suppose to finish around noon, but because she was the second person to ask me, I decided to open it. Later in the evening, while I was talking to my translator and told her about this girl, she told me that it was the same girl who was against united prayer. I don't know what made her change her mind, but I am happy that she took the last chance and came and prayed with us.

I was also happy to meet some people I met at AMiCUS International Congress in September where Irene and I facilitate united prayer. One of the couples I met there told me that they started two prayer groups in their church. There were some other people who told me that they attended the AMiCUS Congress in Paris but they did not come to the prayer room. When they came back home they were so angry with themselves for not finding the time to go and pray. Now, they were happy that the Lord gave them a second chance. So, praise God that He is a God of second and third and ...a lot of chances.

On Monday we had a united prayer session with everybody. That was really powerful. The leaders told me that people asked why didn't we have united prayer every day.

Since I came home I kept getting lots of emails and messages on facebook about what a blessing the united prayer was for them. And the GYC leaders decided that they really want me to be back for the next GYC and told me not to schedule anything for February 8-12, 2013.

So, need I say more to convince you that this was a really Spirit filled event? Believe me, it was the best event I ever went to. Seeing all these people who are searching for God with all their hearts was such a blessing for my soul. It was for the first time in my life when I was not tired at the end of the event, when I still had energy and I did not want it to end. You see, I thought that I would be exhausted at the end because I had no one to help me. But the Lord showed me one more time that His power is made perfect in my weakness. He can bless and give power and strength. He can still do miracles. In fact, one of the GYC leaders told me that he has witnessed miracles every five minutes. God was present there and we could clearly see His hand at work.

I guess it's high time I start praying more for Youth in Mission, the next big event I am going to in a few weeks. Join with me in prayer that God will bring a mighty revival among the young people from Germany and that our presence there will be a blessing for many.

Answered and Unanswered Questions

"So, are you in a relationship? Have you met someone?" I have been asked this question countless times. "You've got to do something. You have to start searching for a husband", I am told when I tell them that I do not have a boyfriend. I smile. There was a time when I tried to help them understand my point of view, but now I don't even bother. They don't understand. Some of them can't. Some of them don't want to. Some won't even listen. 

Those who have not seen me for a long time go on asking: "So, what are you doing? What are you up to?" I tell them that I am a translator for Hope Channel and that I am also working and traveling for ARME Ministries, leading united prayer and presenting workshops on prayer and united prayer.

"Oh, I see" some would say, glad that the mystery is now solved. Those who are more daring would even venture to say: "Than, how do you want to get married if you travel so much? Who would take you? You have to settle down if you want to get married one day." I smile again. I have heard this over and over again for the past 7 years since my life has been different from the life of most of my friends and acquaintances. 

So, aren't they right? I have been a volunteer five years and I have lived isolated in the jungle and desert. And now, even though I kind of settled down and have a job, I keep traveling the world. Humanly speaking, they have all the reasons to be worried for me.

What people see is the a girl who is strong, a leader who gets involved in so many projects, who travels, who speaks, who seems to do just fine all by herself. And I can't blame them. This is what one can see at a glance. Little do they know how much time I spend in prayer in order to have the power to do all these things and how many times I have pleaded with the Lord to let me be under the stage, to let me support someone, to be the helper that He created me to be. Little do they know that this leader feels so much the need to be led, to be protected, to follow someone. 

So, why did I spend 5 years isolated in the mission field? Why do I travel now? Why do I take speaking engagements? Because He has called me to. Because I know and I have seen that the best thing for me to do is to do what He is asking me to and to follow Him wherever He leads. You see, this life is not about me, about what I can do and what I cannot do, what I want or don't want. It is about Him and glorifying Him through my life. 

Nine and a half years ago I promised God to follow Him wherever He leads and do whatever He asks me to. And I also promised Him to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and trust that everything else will be added unto me. And this is what I am trying to do. I am very happy with what I am doing right now, but I am also looking forward to the day when I will be able to be the helper that He created me to be. 

"Well," you would say, "you are past the age most girls think they will be single. If God is in control, than why are you still single? If you are serving Him, why didn't He bring someone along until now? He knows you need someone and if you are doing His work He should be sensitive to your needs."

I can't claim that I have the answer to these questions. I know that I don't know a lot of things and I don't have a lot of answers. But there are a few things I know without a shadow of a doubt. Firstly, I know that missionary girls and girls who are traveling and doing God's work get married. So being in the mission field and traveling does not have anything to do with being single. I believe that He can drop someone out of the sky in the middle of the jungle for me. Secondly, I know that the best and only thing I should do right now is to make sure that I am following Him and that I allow Him to lead my life. Thirdly, I know that He is in control and that He wants what is best for me. That's all. And it is enough to help me live happily with unanswered questions. 

It does not mean that there are no days when I am confused, when I feel that He totally forgot about my singleness, when I feel lonely, when I wonder how much longer do I have to wait. There have been such days and I am sure there will be many more. But in the midst of all these, I have learned to be content. I have learned to enjoy my singleness and get the best of it. I have learned to love this season of my life. 

Does it mean that I gave up on love? Does it mean that I stopped hoping that I will one day get married? No, it doesn't. I have learned to love being single and not give up on love. I have decided not to allow my hopes and dreams for the future cast a shadow on my present. I have decided to learn to enjoy what I have, not to complain about what I don't. And it has been one of the best decisions I have made. 

If I am content, if I can rejoice and love my life just as it is now while hoping and waiting for the ONE, it is only because of Him. It is a gift of grace. My whole life and journey are a gift of grace. I know that He cares about my heart and my life even more than I do. This is a fact. It is what I know. And it is enough.

About Knowledge and Love

"Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies." 1 Cor. 8:1

We like to know things, to soak up the information and make sure that others know what we know. This is what knowledge is for, right ? It was meant to be shared with others. Knowledge in itself it is not wrong. It is something good and desirable. We were made to grow and develop, to know more and more. In the beginning of the book of Proverbs we are told that the book was written to give "to the young man knowledge and discretion". So, we have a book of the Bible that was written especially to give us knowledge.

Remember when God appeared to Solomon and told him to ask whatever he wants from Him? What does Solomon ask from God? Knowledge and wisdom. God does not rebuke him for asking for the wrong thing. On the contrary, He is very proud of Solomon's request and praises him for asking for such a thing.

Than why does Paul say that knowledge puffs up when God praises Solomon for asking for knowledge? Paul explaines himself very clearly in 1 Corintiens 13,2: "If I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge . . . , but have not love, I gain nothing". Knowledge is something good but only when it goes hand in hand with love. Knowledge without love leads to pride. For knowledge alone puffs up. But knowledge with love leads to humility. Knowledge without love leads to the lack of consideration for others. But when there is love, it leads to care.

We can use our knowledge to prove to others and to ourselves that we are not nobodies, that we are important. And we can use it for our self-advencement and advantage. It is obvious that love is not there.

We may know God, but if we do not love Him, we will have an intelectual faith, not a relationship with Him. Knowing and loving God is the key to a close and intimate relationship with Him. The same principle applies to the human relationships.

To know might or might not be a matter of choice, but to love is definitely something we need to choose to do. To choose to love inspite of what you know, that is real science. It is God's science. It is what we call unconditional love. And it is the only thing that can make a difference in someone's life.