A Day in the Mountains

Learning to Wait

It's been only a couple a weeks ago that I was so sure on what I am going to do. Only just a couple of weeks ago I was full of hope and joy, having found the answer to the questions: what's next? where can I serv You at my best? At least this is what I have thought then. And it took just a few days to be surrounded by fog again and to go back to the starting point, back to the land of unanswered questions (this is not because I don't have any options right now or that I do not know what I want to do but it's because of some other reasons). So, I'm back to waiting. I keep asking myself why, keep trying to find out if there is anything I need to give up to, something else that I need to learn.

I have never thought I won't be able to adapt back to my culture and to what once I used to like. I found myself longing every day for the simple jungle life, longing to live in the middle of the nature and to forget all about this complicated civilized life. Is it wrong what I want? No, I don't think so. Is it that God wants something else for me? I wish I can answer with all my power YES (because I know for sure this is what I want) but the situation I am in right now makes me more cautious about my answer. So, I prefer not to asnwer this question and to limit God. I know this is what God wants for all of us, to be able to live close to Him and to His nature, and I know this is what I want to.

Waiting on God... I listened to day to a sermon with this title and it made so much sens to me. But when it comes to applying this to my own life, it seems to hard. I've been waiting for the past 3-4 months and it seems I got tired of waiting. Sometimes I'm asking myself: where is the girl who has been telling to everybody for the past 3 years that God has a plan with everyone's life and there is no greater joy than to know you are where God wants you to be and you are doing what He wants you to do? Apparently, taking care of my grandpa and working of getting a long term visa for a former student of mine, that's what God had me do for the past 3 months. It's not what I wanted to, I have to admit, but I tried to enjoy even though I caught myself complainning at times (shame on me!!!).

Waiting, waiting, waiting... that's in a nut shell what I am up to. I have no doubts that God has a plan with my life and that sooner or later He will reveal it me. Waiting peacefully and joyfully... this is my challange. I've got to a conclusion not long again. I realise that I want to learn to wait in pace more than I want to understand God's plan for me. Yeah, my deceitful heart wants desperatly to find out the answer to the question: What's next? Where should I go to serve? more than to learn to wait (and I know that this desire is not bad). But my brain understand the necessity of learning to wait on Him. So, I guess I am learing to wait right now despite my unwillingness to accept taking this difficult lesson... I'm not a very good student but God hasn't given up on me.

So, I am learning the difficult lesson of waiting. Hopefully I will learn it and God won't have to bring me again to a similar situation.

Tired...

I am tired right now. Tired of many things... Tired of waiting. Tired of obstacles. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. Tired of a complicated life. Tired of civilisation.. I wish I could enjoy the simplicity of the jungle life. And I hope I will soon, very soon...

First Step..

Today I have sent my passport to get the Guyanese visa. It's the first small step that I am taking in the process of getting ready once again for my departure and the only I can take right now. I'm just a helpless little girl who is waiting for her Father to show her what to do next and who is waiting on Him to provide for her. He has been always bringing me to the point where I have to wait on Him... I guess I still have to learn to trust that He will give me the resources I need in order to be able to leave. He has been faithful for the past three years and I know He is the same God yesterday, today and forever. If I look behind I can clearly see how faithful He was in taking care of my needs... So, why do I have to worry when I have already experienced so many times His care, when He send me what I needed at the right time? Why is it so hard at times to just trust without worrying a bit? Huh... our human nature!!! I cannot say I'm worrying right now but I have to admit I am wondering how long will He let me wait...

I wrestled with God last night...I was worrying about a certain issue and I was talking to Him asking Him why does it have to be so difficult at times... So we fought for some time and, in the end, He was victorious. He didn't promise me that He will solve the problem, He didn't say it will be easy. He just asked me to trust Him. So I gave up worrying.

Again and again, God is bringing me to situations where I see no way out and I just have to trust Him. I guess it's part of my intense course, part of the training He has for me.

Anniversary

Today it's been three years since I first left for Guyana. First time alone traveling across continents, first time traveling in an airplane, first time being so far away for such a long period of time of my family and friends. I didn't know what the trip will be like and where exactly is the place where I will serve, I didn't know what exactly I will be doing, I didn't speak English fluently but I knew I want to serve. The beginning of the the most challenging and most beautiful time in my life. The beginning of a new life that was going to change me forever.

I went to Guyana not knowing exactly what means to be a missionary or for how long I will be there. It took me just 2-3 weeks to decide that this is what I want to do for my whole life. I have never thought that I will fall in love with the jungle, that I will love to work in the farm, that I will enjoy walking bare feet in the mud, that I will love to do laundry at the river, that I will befriend the bat and rats and cockroaches, that I will fall in love with teaching, that I will find the sens on my existence there. I have never thought I will face so much loneliness and I will also be so happy, that I will miss my family so much when being there but I will miss even more the jungle and its challenges when being at home, that I will love the quietness and peacefulness of the jungle and also the craziness of Georgetown.

I remember so well flying with Gary Roberts above the dense jungle and thinking that I am dreaming. I have never dreamed to meet all this people I have seen on DVDs but here I was, staying quiet and sharing tears of joy for the wonderful way God worked in my life. I have never thought I will one day become a real missionary in the real jungle working with all the heroes I have grown to admire and respect. And here I was, being part of what I have never dreamed of.

Three years of intense training for me, three years of serving, three years when I grew to love sooo much my fellow Amerindians. And I know that these three years are just the beginning.

Though not too many people understand my love for Guyana and for Amerindians, I know God set a burden on my heart and that He wants me there. So, Guyana, I am coming soon!!!!

The Dawn Is Breaking

"We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has led us, and His teaching in our past history."

As I am still waiting, I realise more and more how important it is to remember how the Lord worked in my life in the past. In fact, I've focused on several things lately: one is to discover why the Lord is keeping me still in Romania, another is those weakness, black spots on my character that I need to get rid of, and that the Lords wants to reveal to me in this process of waiting. Then I tried to remember how He led me in the past. In fact, I've been blessed with friends who reminded me of the wonderful ways God led me so far.

As I've been meditating on all these things, I've made amazing discoveries... I've spotted again things that are keeping me away from Him, Satan's nails in my life. I have also found some of the reasons God is still keeping me here. Though it is hard to wait, I cannot but exclaim: marvelous are Your works, Lord.

It's been three years since the Lord started an intense course with me. Three years of shaping and molding like never before. I discovered that the jungle can be a perfect classroom for such a course. There are so many things I have learnt in these three years. One of most recent things He's been teaching me is to accept my faults and ask for power to overcome them. It is not easy to accept your mistakes and weaknesses in front of other people and to thank other people for pointing your faults out. But as the Lord has worked hard on this aspect, I finally had to say: OK, Lord, I agree. Your way is the best. It is so wonderful to see how the Lord is using situations and people to help us be who is wants us to be.

Three years ago, when the Lord called me to teach at Davis Indian Industrial College, I was somehow reluctant. I have never thought I will be a teacher because I never wanted to be a teacher. I have always thought I am not good for teaching thought I have never taught. But I had to to what the Lord asked me to, and I fell in love with teaching.

Last week, if you asked me what do I think about bible working, I would have told you that is an amazing way to spread the Gospel, but it is not for me. Today, when I received a call to bible work somewhere in Guyana, I realised that I have never done it, so I cannot know if it is for me or not. I'm still praying for guidance, and my heart is warming up at the thought of going back to my beloved Guyana. Maybe the Lord is calling me again to something I have never done, to show me I am good at it and that I love to do it. So, it I think that the night is almost over and something great is ahead of me. No matter what it is, it will be great because this is the Lord's doing.

At the Crossroad

I've been at a crossroad for some time, more than I thought I would be. It seems that the Lord is still making me wait. I cannot fully understand why, but I know I have to trust Him. Sometimes the path is full of sunshine because I chose to trust, othertimes is dark and gloomy because I am tired of waiting. What helps tremendously in this night season is to know that this is His path. I've been learning patience a lot lately and I am happy to learn it.

I came home last June determined to make a change, to find a new place to serve the Lord. It took only two months to realise I want to go back to Guyana. Some people cannot understand my love for Guyana and this make things pretty difficult for me at times. How can they when they have't experienced what I had? For the past months I've been thinking a lot and praying a lot that I will be able to go back. Yesterday I went to see my dear friend, Ana, leaving for Guyana. I couldn't hold back the tears coming from my broken heart.

Though it is hard to wait on the Lord, this is the only way. I'm hoping to be able to go back to the mission field soon. Where will this be??? I really don't know. I hope the Lord will take me back to Guyana but if He won't, He knows why.

So, here I am, waiting, because I know that my Redeemer lives.

Huh... I have finally started posting.