New Year Tradition

I have just come from church where we started the new year together praising God through songs and prayers and opening His Word. There is a New Year tradition in the Romanian Adventist church, a tradition that I like very much and that I haven't found in other cultures and countries. Every year we buy or make bookmarks and write Bible verses - promises and advices for the next year that we share on the Old Year's Eve. We pray that the Lord to give us what we need for the next year and share the bookmarks. God gave me so many times exactly what I needed. I have seen so many times people who had a promise just for the situation they were in, just for their needs.

For instance, for 2005 my promise was found in Jeremiah 4:3 - "For thus says the LORD to the men of Judah and Jerusalem: “ Break up your fallow ground, And do not sow among thorns." At that time I was working as a secretary in a school and I was not happy at all with what I was doing. I felt I can do more and that sitting behind an office is definitely not for me. But where should I have gone when I knew that the Lord brought me there? I didn't really know what unploughed ground I have to break up but that was the year when God took me to Guyana and when I understood I can do much more than sitting in an office and working with papers. I understand now that pursuing a teaching career is that one of the unploughed grounds.

For this year, the Lord gave me the promise from Joel 2:21-23 - "Be not afraid, O land; be glad and rejoice. Surely the LORD has done great things. Be not afraid, O wild animals, for the open pastures are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig tree and the vine yield their riches. Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before."

It is so amazing because God has been teaching me the lesson of gladness and rejoycing lately. I know God will continue to do great things for me as He is leading and teaching me more and more things.

Thank you, Lord for Your promise for this next year!

One More Year

Here we are, one day before the year is over. It's time to look back to see what we have done, to rejoice about our victories and regret our failures, and also forward, to make plans for the new year. As I look back, I can see both victories and failures and even though I regret my mistakes, I have reasons to rejoice as I see how the Lord lead and taught me and didn't let me down even when I chose to go my own way. So, let me tell you a few things I am thankful for.

• I am very thankful for the time I spent in Guyana. It's been a really, really blessed time with a lot of challenges. I am thankful even for the challenges because I know God used them to grow me.
• I am thankful that the Lord wants me to grow and become a better person and is showing me weaknesses and things I need to change in my life.
• I am thankful for my friends. They all mean a lot to me but I am thankful in a special way for Ana. There is something special about her and her friendship: we passed together through a lot of challenges, she understands my love for the mission work and especially for Guyana as nobody else does, God used her to teach me A LOT of things and her life and way of interacting with people is an example for me, she was there to encourage me give me hope when nobody else was there and I really needed someone by my side, she accepts me as I am and knows how to talk to me about sensible matters, about things I need to change in my life and make me feel during our conversation that I am precious and that I can do better. So, my beloved Ana, your friendship means much more than you can imagine. I thank the Lord for you and I only hope our relationship will deepen. Thank you for everything you have done for me.
• I am thankful for getting Sandro's visa. As some of you know, sometimes at the end of September, I brought to Romania one of my former students from Guyana in order to go to attend a school that trains missionaries for remote areas of the world (for those of you who know Sebastian Tartarau, it is his school). Since he came with a short-stay visa, his visa could not be extended and we had to get a new visa for him. For two months we have worked on it. We met obstacles so many times and so many times we said, thus far... we cannot do anything about it... But the Lord has been sooo good and He worked in miraculous ways. His new visa is a real miracle. I am so thankful for those who helped us in the process.
• I am also thankful for the changes I see in Sandro. He has grown a lot spiritually and not only and I am happy to see God working in his life.
• I am thankful for "my wilderness". This past 3 months have been a wilderness for me but now that I can look back I can see why the Lord chose to keep in Romania and I am thankful He did.
• I am so thankful because God took care of my material, financial, emotional, spiritual needs. Isn't good to know you have Someone to take care of your needs and that Someone who owns everything in this world is ready to supply for all your needs?

As I start the new year, I have hopes and desires like everyone has. I look back to see what where the hopes and desires I had for the past years and I see they have changed as I have grown in my relationship with Him. I can also see how the Lord gave me most of the things I have asked for and I am filled with gratitude. If once I used to ask for a computer, or a husband or friends, or guidance, this year my requests are a bit different. There are 3 things I am asking from the Lord:

1. To change me, to show me those spots from my character, those things I have to leave behind and to make me more and more like Him. It is such a joy to know I can be perfect as He is perfect and that He can truly make me like Him. So I am asking Him to make me like Him no matter what it takes.
2. To help me serve Him with all my heart and reflect Him to those I am coming in contact with. I want nothing more than to be able to show people that Christ dwells in me and that I am His child.
3. To lead me and take full control over me.

For some of you it may seem merely theory but I want to assure you that I meant what I wrote and that everything comes from a heart who is seeking the Lord and who wants to be like Him. I realized there is nothing else that matters except for these 3 things. I have asked so many years for a life partner and for things that were for me and for my well being. But this year the Lord has made a change in the way I am thinking and I cannot describe you how happy I am for the change He made in me.

I wish for you the same things I wish for myself because there is nothing else that matters. At least there is nothing else that matters for me. I hope for you, too.

Home... What Is Actually Home???

Just one and a half weeks ago I was in Bucharest when I found out some students are going to the hospital to sing for people with AIDS. Since I love to sing and I haven't got the chance to sing in a choir eversince I came back home and since I wanted to do something different like I once used to do, I decided it wil be a nice experience and a good opporitunity of service through songs. It took a while until we found the hospital and the right enterance (since there were several of them). When I got there I discovered we are not the only one invited but there are also other young people from some churches from Bucharest.

That's how I got to meet several old friends whom I have't seen in a long time. "What are you doing here? We thought you are in the mission field. We didn't know you are still at home..." They were so surprised to see me and they couldn't hide it. They were not even trying to. For me, their words and actions were saying: "Your place is not here anymore. We can see you just in the mission field. You do not belong here. The mission filed is your home." I have to admit I felt good at their remarks because I know I don't belong here. Not anymore.

Home... what is home? This is one of the most difficult questions one can ask me. I simply do not have an answer to it. Am I still at home, as my friends stated? I do not feel like being home because I do not have a home. At least not on this earth. With my parents missionaries in a muslim country, a married sister and one still in university there is no place that I can call here home.

But even though I cannot say I have a home, I can still feel at home. Though I remain a stranger and a wanderer, I feel at home where I am needed, accepted and loved, where I can be helpful and where the Lord sends me to serve.

So, what is home? I will give you the definition in heaven, when I will fully understand and experience what home is. Until then, I remain a HOMELESS WANDERER.

Christmas Again... And Time for Decisions

I cannot believe it is Christmas already... One more year passed. Compared to last year, this year I have a very, very quiet Christmas.

No more soccer games to watch,

no church service to attend,

no special dinner to cook... since I am at home just with my sister, my brother and grandpa.



Instead I've got a lot of time to think - evaluate and plan and make some decisions. Though I cannot say I like this quiet and cold Christmas, I know I need it. I need this time to think about what I have done so far and what I am going to do from now on.

Since I am still at a cross road and I need to make a choice soon, I decided it would be good if I go online and listen to some presentations on understanding God's will. So today I went to AudioVerse and downloaded some sermons that prooved to be a tremendous blessing. Ron Clouzet has some rally good presentations on the topic. I really enjoyed listening to him. He gives seven steps that can be a help in discerning God's will:

1. Surrender your entire will to God.
2. Believe His will for you is always the best.
3. Check the Scripture in order to follow it.
4. Pray for guidance and strength.
5. Consider how God led you in the past.
6. Seek counsel from unbiased Godly friends.
7. Move forward.

After analizing my situation, I realized I have followed this steps and the time has now come that I move forward. He also said something that I knew but that I needed to hear again: "When you follow all these steps, there is a point when you need to make a decision. If you make no decision you will make a mistake. It is better to make a decision and make a mistake than make no decision. If you make a decision sincerily, genuinly, God will take care of you when you make the mistake. If you thought everything is leading you in this direction and if it is the wrong direction, God will make a detour because you have done your part, you have sought His will."

So, having this in mind, after I have analized my situation, I have decided to go ahead and try to get my Guyanese visa one more time. So I'm going ahead with my plans for Guyana until God will either open or close all the doors. I know it will not be easy to stick to my decision since some of people I love and respect do not agree with me but I know God will help me.

There are several reasons why I decided to go ahead with my Guyana plans. First, I know for sure God called me there 3 years ago but I have nothing to tell me He wants me somewhere else. Then, I know there is a need for continuity, for people who already understand the culture and thus can befriend and understand people easier. Then, there is my love for Guyana because of what the Lord has done in my life and how He changed me there. Then, I love the jungle and the quiet life, I love gardening, cooking over an open fire, washing clothes at the river... In a nut shell, I love the challenges of the jungle living and I really think this is a gift from God since not so many people find jungle living atractive.

Then, there is one more thing I decided. To some may sound wierd, some will not understand... While talking to God one night before I fell asleep, I decided to put aside any thoughts on romance and marriage. I believe God thinks I can serve better as a single person. So, marriage is not for me. I do not say this because I have no perspective or because I want to shock some of you. I just beleive that God is coming soon and that I need to focus on serving Him and spreading the Gospel and a relationship will distract me from fully focusing on service. So, here I am happy and ready to face a life of service having God as my friend. I have already served for three years as a single person and I have grumbled at times for being alone. This time I am going having another mindset and I know that things will be different.

I'm looking forward to the things God has in store for me! Looking forward to serving and also to learning from Him.

Crossroad again...

On Thursday I have received one of the most unexpected news: my Guyanese visa has been denied. So I am once again back to the starting point, back to where I was some time ago. Is this God trying to tell me He has something else for me, that He wants me somewhere else? Is it that He wants to see how determined I am to go there? Do I have to try again to get my visa? What is it that the Lord wants from me? I have been trying to find and answer to this last question for quite some time and I still have no definite answer. Still in darkness... still waiting... still hoping that the night will be soon over.

Missing Guyana...

Today is again one of those days when I terribly miss Guyana (by the way, it happens pretty often:). I have read again some news from Guyana and I'm Guyana sick again. Everytime I hear something about the beautiful life from Guyana I long soooo much to be back there. Some people told me that if I spend some time in Romania I will forget all about Guyana and I won't want to go back to the jungle life. But from what I can see the effect is the opposite. The longer I stay here, the more I want to go back. The longer I taste from the vanity of the civilization, the more I want the simplicity of the jungle life. There is nothing more wonderful than to wake up in the morning hearing the baboons giving a concert, to go to the river to wash my cloths, to cook over an open fire, to go and work in the garden, to haunt for bats, to go and watch soccer on Sundays afternoons... and the list can go on and on. Yeah, this is the life that I love. Just a couple of night ago I dreamed that was back in Guyana and I was sooo happy! I hope and pray this dream will soon come true. I know God can make it possible prividing the finances I need in order to be back in the land of my dreams and to reach out again to those people who need so much to hear about Him.

The Fabric of Faithfulness

I have read today for a half of the day. I needed to finish the book The Fabric of Faithfulness - Steven Garber, one of the requirements for one of the classes I am talking for my Master's. Though very difficult to read and very difficult to understand in the begining, after a while it became accessible..

What is the book all about? The author of the book is a teacher whose main preocupation is to help his students connect what they believe about the world and how they live in the world. Some other questions he is trying to answer are: What do I care about? What do I believe and why do I believe? How does a world view become a way of life?

The author is trying to find out why is it so difficult to connect what we believe with how we believe in the fist chapters of the book. Then he presents stories of succes, of people who manage to live a life of integrity in a challanging world.

I found very interesing the chapters he is talking about education and its purpose. He says that „education must be oriented to preparation for a calling and not trainning for a career”. He is also emphasizing a lot the importance of the teacher being the students´ friend not only a teacher behind a desk and also the importance of developing friendships with people who have chosen to live their lives embedded in the same worldview.

Connecting what I believe with how I live... What is my place in the world? Do I make any difference? Do I care? Do I live a life of integrity where I do what I say?

I realise more and more that it is so easy to believe something and to live something else. God needs people of integrity, people who found their place in the world, who care, who believe and live for Him, who live what they believe, people who make a difference just because God lives in them, people who will be able to stand for the truth and defend because they know what they believe, they know why they believe and they live what they believe.

If people were able to die for what they believe, it is just because their worldview became a way of life. If people are happy or unhappy, it is because of their worldview. "It is the difference between a worldview which brings integration to the whole of one's existence and one which brings desintegration."

Lord, help us develop a worldview that has You in the center and help us understand that "truth cannot be something we hold on to theoretically with no real-life consequence, that knowing and doing, hearing and obeying are integrally connnected for people whose convictions are trully and deeply Christians."

A Day in the Mountains

Learning to Wait

It's been only a couple a weeks ago that I was so sure on what I am going to do. Only just a couple of weeks ago I was full of hope and joy, having found the answer to the questions: what's next? where can I serv You at my best? At least this is what I have thought then. And it took just a few days to be surrounded by fog again and to go back to the starting point, back to the land of unanswered questions (this is not because I don't have any options right now or that I do not know what I want to do but it's because of some other reasons). So, I'm back to waiting. I keep asking myself why, keep trying to find out if there is anything I need to give up to, something else that I need to learn.

I have never thought I won't be able to adapt back to my culture and to what once I used to like. I found myself longing every day for the simple jungle life, longing to live in the middle of the nature and to forget all about this complicated civilized life. Is it wrong what I want? No, I don't think so. Is it that God wants something else for me? I wish I can answer with all my power YES (because I know for sure this is what I want) but the situation I am in right now makes me more cautious about my answer. So, I prefer not to asnwer this question and to limit God. I know this is what God wants for all of us, to be able to live close to Him and to His nature, and I know this is what I want to.

Waiting on God... I listened to day to a sermon with this title and it made so much sens to me. But when it comes to applying this to my own life, it seems to hard. I've been waiting for the past 3-4 months and it seems I got tired of waiting. Sometimes I'm asking myself: where is the girl who has been telling to everybody for the past 3 years that God has a plan with everyone's life and there is no greater joy than to know you are where God wants you to be and you are doing what He wants you to do? Apparently, taking care of my grandpa and working of getting a long term visa for a former student of mine, that's what God had me do for the past 3 months. It's not what I wanted to, I have to admit, but I tried to enjoy even though I caught myself complainning at times (shame on me!!!).

Waiting, waiting, waiting... that's in a nut shell what I am up to. I have no doubts that God has a plan with my life and that sooner or later He will reveal it me. Waiting peacefully and joyfully... this is my challange. I've got to a conclusion not long again. I realise that I want to learn to wait in pace more than I want to understand God's plan for me. Yeah, my deceitful heart wants desperatly to find out the answer to the question: What's next? Where should I go to serve? more than to learn to wait (and I know that this desire is not bad). But my brain understand the necessity of learning to wait on Him. So, I guess I am learing to wait right now despite my unwillingness to accept taking this difficult lesson... I'm not a very good student but God hasn't given up on me.

So, I am learning the difficult lesson of waiting. Hopefully I will learn it and God won't have to bring me again to a similar situation.

Tired...

I am tired right now. Tired of many things... Tired of waiting. Tired of obstacles. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. Tired of a complicated life. Tired of civilisation.. I wish I could enjoy the simplicity of the jungle life. And I hope I will soon, very soon...

First Step..

Today I have sent my passport to get the Guyanese visa. It's the first small step that I am taking in the process of getting ready once again for my departure and the only I can take right now. I'm just a helpless little girl who is waiting for her Father to show her what to do next and who is waiting on Him to provide for her. He has been always bringing me to the point where I have to wait on Him... I guess I still have to learn to trust that He will give me the resources I need in order to be able to leave. He has been faithful for the past three years and I know He is the same God yesterday, today and forever. If I look behind I can clearly see how faithful He was in taking care of my needs... So, why do I have to worry when I have already experienced so many times His care, when He send me what I needed at the right time? Why is it so hard at times to just trust without worrying a bit? Huh... our human nature!!! I cannot say I'm worrying right now but I have to admit I am wondering how long will He let me wait...

I wrestled with God last night...I was worrying about a certain issue and I was talking to Him asking Him why does it have to be so difficult at times... So we fought for some time and, in the end, He was victorious. He didn't promise me that He will solve the problem, He didn't say it will be easy. He just asked me to trust Him. So I gave up worrying.

Again and again, God is bringing me to situations where I see no way out and I just have to trust Him. I guess it's part of my intense course, part of the training He has for me.

Anniversary

Today it's been three years since I first left for Guyana. First time alone traveling across continents, first time traveling in an airplane, first time being so far away for such a long period of time of my family and friends. I didn't know what the trip will be like and where exactly is the place where I will serve, I didn't know what exactly I will be doing, I didn't speak English fluently but I knew I want to serve. The beginning of the the most challenging and most beautiful time in my life. The beginning of a new life that was going to change me forever.

I went to Guyana not knowing exactly what means to be a missionary or for how long I will be there. It took me just 2-3 weeks to decide that this is what I want to do for my whole life. I have never thought that I will fall in love with the jungle, that I will love to work in the farm, that I will enjoy walking bare feet in the mud, that I will love to do laundry at the river, that I will befriend the bat and rats and cockroaches, that I will fall in love with teaching, that I will find the sens on my existence there. I have never thought I will face so much loneliness and I will also be so happy, that I will miss my family so much when being there but I will miss even more the jungle and its challenges when being at home, that I will love the quietness and peacefulness of the jungle and also the craziness of Georgetown.

I remember so well flying with Gary Roberts above the dense jungle and thinking that I am dreaming. I have never dreamed to meet all this people I have seen on DVDs but here I was, staying quiet and sharing tears of joy for the wonderful way God worked in my life. I have never thought I will one day become a real missionary in the real jungle working with all the heroes I have grown to admire and respect. And here I was, being part of what I have never dreamed of.

Three years of intense training for me, three years of serving, three years when I grew to love sooo much my fellow Amerindians. And I know that these three years are just the beginning.

Though not too many people understand my love for Guyana and for Amerindians, I know God set a burden on my heart and that He wants me there. So, Guyana, I am coming soon!!!!

The Dawn Is Breaking

"We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has led us, and His teaching in our past history."

As I am still waiting, I realise more and more how important it is to remember how the Lord worked in my life in the past. In fact, I've focused on several things lately: one is to discover why the Lord is keeping me still in Romania, another is those weakness, black spots on my character that I need to get rid of, and that the Lords wants to reveal to me in this process of waiting. Then I tried to remember how He led me in the past. In fact, I've been blessed with friends who reminded me of the wonderful ways God led me so far.

As I've been meditating on all these things, I've made amazing discoveries... I've spotted again things that are keeping me away from Him, Satan's nails in my life. I have also found some of the reasons God is still keeping me here. Though it is hard to wait, I cannot but exclaim: marvelous are Your works, Lord.

It's been three years since the Lord started an intense course with me. Three years of shaping and molding like never before. I discovered that the jungle can be a perfect classroom for such a course. There are so many things I have learnt in these three years. One of most recent things He's been teaching me is to accept my faults and ask for power to overcome them. It is not easy to accept your mistakes and weaknesses in front of other people and to thank other people for pointing your faults out. But as the Lord has worked hard on this aspect, I finally had to say: OK, Lord, I agree. Your way is the best. It is so wonderful to see how the Lord is using situations and people to help us be who is wants us to be.

Three years ago, when the Lord called me to teach at Davis Indian Industrial College, I was somehow reluctant. I have never thought I will be a teacher because I never wanted to be a teacher. I have always thought I am not good for teaching thought I have never taught. But I had to to what the Lord asked me to, and I fell in love with teaching.

Last week, if you asked me what do I think about bible working, I would have told you that is an amazing way to spread the Gospel, but it is not for me. Today, when I received a call to bible work somewhere in Guyana, I realised that I have never done it, so I cannot know if it is for me or not. I'm still praying for guidance, and my heart is warming up at the thought of going back to my beloved Guyana. Maybe the Lord is calling me again to something I have never done, to show me I am good at it and that I love to do it. So, it I think that the night is almost over and something great is ahead of me. No matter what it is, it will be great because this is the Lord's doing.

At the Crossroad

I've been at a crossroad for some time, more than I thought I would be. It seems that the Lord is still making me wait. I cannot fully understand why, but I know I have to trust Him. Sometimes the path is full of sunshine because I chose to trust, othertimes is dark and gloomy because I am tired of waiting. What helps tremendously in this night season is to know that this is His path. I've been learning patience a lot lately and I am happy to learn it.

I came home last June determined to make a change, to find a new place to serve the Lord. It took only two months to realise I want to go back to Guyana. Some people cannot understand my love for Guyana and this make things pretty difficult for me at times. How can they when they have't experienced what I had? For the past months I've been thinking a lot and praying a lot that I will be able to go back. Yesterday I went to see my dear friend, Ana, leaving for Guyana. I couldn't hold back the tears coming from my broken heart.

Though it is hard to wait on the Lord, this is the only way. I'm hoping to be able to go back to the mission field soon. Where will this be??? I really don't know. I hope the Lord will take me back to Guyana but if He won't, He knows why.

So, here I am, waiting, because I know that my Redeemer lives.

Huh... I have finally started posting.